But I'm Way Less Sad

I've spent the better part of the last decade asking myself what I would do if I could do anything - basically, "what excites me"? That's a hard question for me. I'm a man of few passions. I was raised to believe that obedience is the most important thing you can accomplish... THAT, and of course, keeping a romantic relationship is the pinnacle of existence. These were challenging objectives in my early life. But by the time I was 34, I was doing pretty well. So now what?

Of course, that was about the time I lost my career and my marriage came crashing down. It was time for a new objective in life. I mean, obedience and relationship were still the most important. I couldn't let up on those.

But I had been told that God had an assignment for me in this life and images of that assignment would flick through my mind during my life. That hadn't really been happening. But it gave me hope that I could find a personal purpose. On more that one occasion I decided to change the direction of my life because I didn't think I was doing the assignment God had for me - not that I knew where I was going. But at least I still had obedience and romantic relationships to hold on to while I looked...

Until I decided I didn't believe in God anymore. At that point, I had to redefine my whole life. With no God, there are no commandments. There goes obedience. But I still valued my relationship with my second wife. In fact, that might have become my new God - my new purpose.

But making another person your purpose in life can weigh heavily on them. It means they are bearing the weight of you feeling good and accomplished about yourself. And in my case, it also resulted in me being very demanding of her time and attention. How am I supposed to care for and heal her if I don't know what's going on? How can I manage this process if I'm not constantly involved?

That was probably a major contributing factor in the demise of my second marriage. *sigh* With the help of a friend, I was beginning to see how my codependent behavior was hurting my relationships. Now, after nine years of asking what I would do if I could do anything in my career, I'm starting to ask what I would do if I could do anything with my life in general.

When I no longer have romantic relationships to hold to as a guiding star, I'm starting to question their validity in that role. It's not an easy adjustment. It's a faith crisis and a social crisis rolled into one. It's harder than giving up God. God and religion were always confusing. But relationships made sense. They felt like home... even when they were dysfunctional. But it looks like it's time to grow up, leave home and find a new guiding star.

When I threw out the belief system I grew up with, I wanted to find something that made sense that I could believe in. It's been a journey, but I've settled on something that only looks a little different from what I used to believe. But functionally, it's different in big ways. Yesterday, I made a similar discovery about purpose in my life (since my new-found spirituality didn't really fill that in).

Being a man of few passions, I was very invested in my partner's passions and healing. In a society where women tend to be second-class citizens, there can be a lot to heal. But what happens when there is progress in the healing? What happens when you help a powerless woman become more powerful? She doesn't need you as much anymore.

Somehow I didn't anticipate this outcome. I wanted to help healing and growth, but I didn't want our interactions to change. I was still operating under the idea that the relationship was the most important thing. It's hard to leave behind the only relationship construct you've even known. But I'm starting to see that the help and healing weren't the dysfunction in the relationship. I did very good things for the partners in my life. But worshiping the relationship also made me fight against the result of that help and healing. If I can keep the good and leave out the bad, my life will still have purpose that makes sense, that feels like home - but that doesn't hurt people.

Like with my new spirituality, my new sociality may look a lot like my old way of interacting. But functionally it can be very different. Being more centered in myself and my purpose of healing and making whole is an exciting idea. But I can't really say I'm a-okay. The experience hasn't really caught up with the idea yet. In my mind I know that I'm in a much better place. But that place, it's value, and purpose are still sinking in. So I can't quite say that I'm happy. But learning these things about myself and the direction that makes sense for me does make me way less sad.