What if I can't let go?



I don't know what this blog is. Philosophical musings? A journal? Letters to an old lover? I might just phase through all three. It'll depend on what I'm needing at the time. Today, I need someone I can share my discoveries with. So, today, that's what it'll be.

I've been working on picking apart my focus on chasing romantic relationships. I've been chasing them my whole life, and I'm wanting to experience something else now. AND I feel like I've been having success. I've been investing in relationships that aren't romantic. I'm seeing how my life intersects with others in non-romantic ways. I'm also seeing how I can have some romance without trying to create a relationship from it. And today the unhinging of the two parts felt freeing. It felt uncomplicated and even rather than desperate.

Of course, progress is cyclical. For every movement forward we make, there will be some retreat. Advance and relax. Even as I was feeling the joy of success, I knew what awaited me. And I'll try to make room for that and be patient with myself.

Tonight, Don't Throw Out My Legos has been running through my head. I realized this indicated that I am having fear about moving on. It's hard to truly leave a part of yourself behind so that you can embrace another part of yourself. There's a temptation to not really leave it behind. It's familiar and comfortable. It's safe territory, even if it's holding you back.

I was in a romantic relationship. I used to tell her when I would find a song playing in my head. And I would share what it was saying to me. Now, she is my Legos. I've been trying to leave her behind but at the same time hold on to that familiar safety she represented. When I realized what this song was saying, it triggered me. It was the kind of experience I used to tell her. But I couldn't tell her anymore. And I didn't want to tell anyone else either. Should I just hold on to it myself? But there was such a desire to share it. So this is where I arrived. I'm not dependent on her to process and share these thoughts. Now it is shared and the world can know of my fear.

As an afterthought, it seems mildly ironic that the song that made me look back longingly at my Legos is about having a hard time leaving them behind. But maybe that was the point.

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