Building my tower to heaven

 

During an energetic healing session with a friend a lifetime ago, I had sudden insight on how I was interacting with the world. I'd been raised to put relationships at the heart of my existence. In fact, I'd been taught that relationships were what would get me into heaven. As I talked through this healing session, I visualized my efforts toward creating a heaven-bound relationship as a skyscraper. I'd been building it with my partner at it's center. I'd been working so hard to make it just right to last forever, all the way to heaven.

Obviously, when such a structure starts to crumble, it's soul crushing. This is my whole life's work. It's my reason for being. It's my masterpiece for eternity. And now it's coming down. All that work is wasted.

I realized that this was not a healthy way to be living my life. I should be at the center of my building, not my partner. I wanted to stop my codependency, my desperate need for other people. It was time to build a skyscraper to myself. Sure, there can be bridges to other people's skyscrapers. I can still enjoy interaction with others. But I need my main edifice to be my own.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and changing since that time. I've tried to find a new purpose in life. If a relationship-centric life leads to dysfunction, what do I want my new purpose to be? Right now I'm investing in myself, my career, my home, my finances. I want to change the way I interact with the world. I want to create new experiences for myself - experience what the world has to offer.

Today, I realized that if I am able to internalize this new life purpose, it will change everything. My life purpose creates my beliefs and thoughts. Those create my behavior and the construction of my edifice. Changing my purpose doesn't just change how the building looks. It changes the very ground upon which it is built.

I've selected a new plot to build on. And I've realized that I'm not trying to build a tower to heaven anymore. If I'm wanting to enlarge my circle of experiences, instead of building straight up, I should be building out. I should be creating a sprawling landscape of diverse structures. Some will be houses. Some will be offices. Some will be playground equipment. I won't be wholly invested in one or another. And if one starts to crumble, it won't be crushing. While it comes down, I have many other beloved places to spend my time and thoughts. And once the crumbling edifice is gone, there will be an open space for something new to grow up.

When I was talking through my energetic healing with my friend, I had no realization that I should have something other than a skyscraper. That conclusion required the deconstruction of decades of ingrained indoctrination. A lot of times there's an expectation from others and ourselves that we should change quickly. "You need to move on." There's a belief that a change in ideas should instantly create a change in behavior and feelings. But in reality, it takes an agonizing amount of time.

I'm trying to be patient with myself. I'm trying to love the journey.This slow spiraling progress is frustrating - and invaluable - and beautiful. I'm starting to love my retreats to codependency and dysfunction. They'll be a part of me awhile longer. Fighting them won't change that. I might as well recognize that it's part of the human experience and enjoy being human.

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