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The mariposa life

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  Two Orugitas has played a remarkable role in my life in the last two years. It gave comfort when I was a caterpillar and had to say goodbye to someone I loved. But that parting was only temporary, as the song implies. The song stuck around as another loved one was slipping away, only to show up again when I had to lose that first person yet again. Saying goodbye, she urged me to "fly till you find your way toward tomorrow". I don't know if I'm a butterfly yet. I have definitely seen myself transform. But I expect there will be more to come. One of my orientations in life is toward progress. So I will definitely continue in my becoming as long as I live. But this song is about the transformation from a clinging caterpillar to a liberated and dancing butterfly, forever meant "to fly apart, to reunite". I think part of me still holds on a little too tightly. But that will probably only change with experience. This week, I had one such experience. I was at th...
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Set in stone

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  I have a fear of sharing this blog. I really appreciate what it provides me - a place where I can get my thoughts out. It's nice to discover something about myself and then put it on a page. I think it has an effect of sinking my ideas a little more into my soul. It also helps me feel like the discovery is protected; it won't evaporate and be forgotten. It is also nice to put it out for someone else to see. Maybe I'll be seen and understood. Maybe someone will benefit from it and I will have contributed to society. That's part of the reason we're social creatures. You can learn something that I have learned without having to go through every step in the process for yourself. The thing that makes me fear sharing the blog is the static aspect of it. I guess that's true of all art. Whether it's a painting, a musical, a building or a blog post, you create it from your heart and people think that's you. But it's really only a snippet of you. It's on...
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Building my tower to heaven

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  During an energetic healing session with a friend a lifetime ago, I had sudden insight on how I was interacting with the world. I'd been raised to put relationships at the heart of my existence. In fact, I'd been taught that relationships were what would get me into heaven. As I talked through this healing session, I visualized my efforts toward creating a heaven-bound relationship as a skyscraper. I'd been building it with my partner at it's center. I'd been working so hard to make it just right to last forever, all the way to heaven. Obviously, when such a structure starts to crumble, it's soul crushing. This is my whole life's work. It's my reason for being. It's my masterpiece for eternity. And now it's coming down. All that work is wasted. I realized that this was not a healthy way to be living my life. I should be at the center of my building, not my partner. I wanted to stop my codependency, my desperate need for other people. It was ti...
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What if I can't let go?

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I don't know what this blog is. Philosophical musings? A journal? Letters to an old lover? I might just phase through all three. It'll depend on what I'm needing at the time. Today, I need someone I can share my discoveries with. So, today, that's what it'll be. I've been working on picking apart my focus on chasing romantic relationships. I've been chasing them my whole life, and I'm wanting to experience something else now. AND I feel like I've been having success. I've been investing in relationships that aren't romantic. I'm seeing how my life intersects with others in non-romantic ways. I'm also seeing how I can have some romance without trying to create a relationship from it. And today the unhinging of the two parts felt freeing. It felt uncomplicated and even rather than desperate. Of course, progress is cyclical. For every movement forward we make, there will be some retreat. Advance and relax. Even as I was feeling the joy ...
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This is why we are social beings

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I've been trying to escape codependency. It's a hard task when it's all you've ever known. It IS normal. It's the only "healthy" you know. But when you start to see how it hurts you and your relationships, you have to get away from it. You have to find a new normal and a new healthy. So I've been looking for a new definition of how humans should interact. For a while it seemed like every interaction was some kind of codependency. But we all know that humans are social creatures. Is this claim just a justification from a codependent perspective? Or is there really something healthy about it? Why are humans social creatures? Are we just wanting company? Validation? Protection? Sustenance? Are these things we should be providing ourselves, but we are dependent on others for them? An old friend of mine once proposed that it's good to have other people around to give other perspectives. That makes sense. We can't have all perspectives. Other people ...
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An Introduction

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  I found a blog  a couple weeks ago that was inspiring. The author said she'd been wanting to blog for years and was now finally taking the time. She had such plans: hinting at future posts, recipes, interviews, products! Then she wrote a few posts in the course of a couple weeks and stopped. I think she wrote all of them while she was vacationing in Hawaii. I haven't dreamed of blogging for years, but I've been considering it lately. One of my first thoughts was, "do people even read blogs anymore"? A friend that frequently posts on Instagram suggested that blogs are still relevant, depending on the content. My content may not be relevant. But maybe I'm readership is not my motivation. One thing I realized lately is that writing requires emotional and mental energy. And in our busy world, many of us don't have much of that to spare. Sure there are people that are compelled to write. And writing might be a flow activity for some (resulting in more energy ...
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But I'm Way Less Sad

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I've spent the better part of the last decade asking myself what I would do if I could do anything - basically, "what excites me"? That's a hard question for me. I'm a man of few passions. I was raised to believe that obedience is the most important thing you can accomplish... THAT, and of course, keeping a romantic relationship is the pinnacle of existence. These were challenging objectives in my early life. But by the time I was 34, I was doing pretty well. So now what? Of course, that was about the time I lost my career and my marriage came crashing down. It was time for a new objective in life. I mean, obedience and relationship were still the most important. I couldn't let up on those. But I had been told that God had an assignment for me in this life and images of that assignment would flick through my mind during my life. That hadn't really been happening. But it gave me hope that I could find a personal purpose. On more that one occasion I decided ...
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